6.) RAMBO

As a police officer, JB’s brother gets out of a lot of traffic tickets. I guess there’s this “fellow police officer buddy buddy” code that they get to share with each other, letting each other off the hook in their jurisdictions.

Shortly after arriving in the U.P., Austin got pulled over for going 80 in a 55. He of course did not get a ticket, but had a nice chat with Officer Rambo (okay, that’s got to be one of the coolest names you could have if you’re a cop).

A few days later JB, Olivia and I head down M-134 enroute to #4 on our Top Ten list. We just get down the road when JB spots the cop car coming the opposite way. JB lets off the gas, unaware that he was going 70. Too late. The cop does the “hit the brakes and turn around” thing that I’ve seen too many times to count.

“He got me,” JB said. He was already annoyed that his brother, who was going 80, got out of a ticket, but that he himself would get one for going 70. Then he realized that he didn’t have his license with him. It was in his wallet sitting on his nightstand back at the cabin. When he told me that I knew it was over. It’s one thing to speed, but if you don’t have your license you’re toast.

(Though I do have to say that one time, when I didn’t have my proof of insurance in the car, I did get out of a speeding ticket in favor of a “no insurance card” ticket. It was $30 and no points. A bit easier to take than the $80 ticket and 2 points.)

As JB pulled to the side of the road, I started praying that God would have mercy. His Mom, who passed us on her way to our destination, was also praying that God would have mercy.

The officer walked up to the car. I braced myself for an insensitive interaction, as is what always happens to me when I get pulled over.

Instead, a friendly voice said, “Hello! How are you today? Can I have your license and registration?”

JB explained his missing license. So the man asked for his full name and date of birth. After hearing JB’s full name he asked him if he got teased in school about it. And things just got nicer after that.

It was so weird!

He informed us that we were going 71 in a 55 and asked if JB was aware of it, noting the baby in the car. After noticing the tinted windows in the back, he asked JB to roll up the front one, because it’s illegal to have your front windows tinted. I explained that they were not, because I knew better.

“You get those tinted for the baby?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I told him (back in 2003!).

(Hey, they are important for the baby! I am ever grateful that we don’t have to drive around with one of those cheesy “baby on board” sunblockers in our windows. Those things block the driver’s visibility anyway. Very dangerous, if you ask me.)

Then he bid us a good day.

OMG!

1.) 16 miles over the speed limit; 2.) with a vulnerable baby in the car; 3.) no license; 4.) limo-black tinted windows. These are all things that annoy cops.

But Rambo isn’t just any cop.

The Lord had mercy!

Thank you, Lord, for Officer Rambo. Coolest cop I know (besides Austin).

Weigh-In, 6/2

Weight change for the week:

JB: -1.8 lbs April: +.6

Weight change to date:

JB: -1.4 April: -2.8


Hmmm....now the race is a little more even. This would be okay for me, save that I GAINED this week. Good Lord, do I have to cut out ALL my desserts?!??? And I can't stop this diet now. I have two prizes in mind, both equally special to me.

The first prize that I thought of was fabric for my nine-patch quilt that will have Civil War reproduction fabric. Or perhaps some fabric for K's citrus quilt, which is next on my docket after Olivia's quilt (which is stalled because I'm still working on our stupid drapes! Those things are taking FOR-EV-ER).

But yesterday I stopped in at a funky shop in Easttown, Gallery 154, and there was a selection of cool framed vintage Michigan travel posters that I must have. They're at a great price, considering they're double-matted and professionally framed. So perhaps my prize can be to get one of those. I love vintage travel posters. And ones of Michigan and the Great Lakes, which I haven't seen before, is mega-cool.

The closest one I've found online is this, which is even more fabulous than the ones at the store, but just the POSTER in 18x24 is $50. Whatever. I am not desperate enough to pay $50 for a piece of paper.

Weigh-In, 5/26

Weigh-in for last night:

JB: no weight loss
April: -3.4 lbs

Yay, me! I've officially reached my pre-pregnancy weight.

However I think that even if I lose the extra 20-25 lbs that I need to, I'll still have this dang spare tire around my gut, where my child stretched me out. I've been faithfully doing my killers and crunchers every day (I never thought I'd say this, but, Thank you, Mr. Collon) but the tire remains. Olivia has been watching me do my exercises and I explained to her that SHE is the one who did this to me. Then she looked at me as if to say, "But Mama, look at how CUTE I am. Sometimes you have to endure horrible things to get cuteness." Then she picked up the dog's rubber toy and put it in her mouth.

Mid-week, April and I were fighting about something that was pretty stupid, but was really just a catalyst for a different bigger issue. I was angry, maybe even enraged, and then April cried. My response?

"April, when you cry it neuters my rage."

Tears made my blustering look just... dumb.

------------

Friday, I walked into Best Buy to pick up something I had to special order. As I approached the service desk the young lady working uncapped a thick black marker and took a deep whiff.

"Smells like knowledge." She stated ever so sagely.

Naturally I laughed in her face.

"Smells like dying brain cells", I replied.

"Maybe." She smiled and took another hit of the marker. "Nope, smells like knowledge."

The crazy thing is, I know what she meant.

The Two Little Engines That Couldn't

Last week ended with the coughing splutter of car issues.

April has Fridays off each week and so we dropped my car off at the local Ford dealer to have it's oil changed and have it checked out. I thought I may have some alignment issues - in fact I have over $1000 in issues, alignment included. All basic maintenance stuff, new tires, boots, alignment, oil change, power steering flush, stabilizer bar. Yeah, fun. We had them fix two on the list and left the less dire fixes for later.

On our way to pick up my "clunker" on Saturday we kept smelling exhaust in April's car. With the weather being as cold as it has been, low teens to below zero, cars tend to act funny. I thought maybe snow got stuck in the exhaust or the other cars were expelling extra noxious fumes. At the dealer, while I was paying for my car, April noticed steam rising from the hood and decided to have the mechanics check it out.

Chalk one up for April! Her gas line was leaking gasoline all over the engine. Apparently, there was friction between the line and the engine cover that slowly ate away at the line until it broke through that Saturday. Thankfully it was only a $150 fix, but it's $150 we don't have to put towards my new tires.

Boo.

This week can't be any worse, but I'm hoping it's better. At least the sun was shining today, and my beard is looking especially dashing.

On an unrelated note, I've decided that I'm going to shave a unique look for St Patties Day. I'll post the evidence afterwards.

"Where's April?" you might ask. She's busy trying to balance the baby with life in general that she isn't able to slow down and blog out her life. So you're all stuck with me. I know. You'll have to deal.

Tomorrow is Obama's historic inauguration. I'm hoping he can live up to his hype. While you're all watching history, I'll be worrying about my brother. He's still my little brother and it's a big brother job to look out for him! If you think about it send some prayers his way tomorrow.

3 vs 13

Today was sister Anne and sister Melissa's graduations from Oakland U. (Congrats ladies!) So we loaded up April's Grand Prix and hit the road. My mom had called the night before to let us know that my cousin Emily was going to be visiting and that she really wanted to meet baby O.

Congrats Emily you were the first extended Bier family member to meet and interact with Liv! Don't let it go to your head... :)





fyi- Olivia doesn't seem to be a Cher fan.

Of course by the time we had left "The Hilton" we were late. So I took it upon myself to make up some time by using my handy lead foot. Mid-eighties in a seventy mile per hour expressway isn't too bad, but unfortunately the police officer didn't agree.

-Austin, this is the second time your "magic" sticker has failed us. For shame.-

I can't fault the guy for doing his job. And to be fair I WAS speeding. But it still sucks. Also he was probably the most abrupt police officer April or I had ever dealt with.

No asking if I knew why he was pulling me over.

No asking why I was speeding.

Just, "License. Registration. Proof of insurance. I read you going 84 in a 70." And he walked away.

Boo.

This is my third moving violation in my twelve years of driving. I've got a lot of work to catch up to April's thirteen.

The Bird goes to Chicago!

On Sunday JB, Olivia, and I made a sort of impromptu trip to Chicago to see our brothers. Neither of them have met Olivia. Austin has been traveling a lot the last few months and we probably won't see him until the new year, and it's always fun to see my brother and his girlfriend Virginia, so we hopped in the car and went!

Unfortunately for me, the Bird only slept from 1 a.m. to 4 a.m. that day, and I had volunteered to drive TO Chicago, because JB is a better night driver and would be driving us home. I was soo tired! Agh! I drank this crappy gas station cappuccino to keep me up but caffeine doesn't really help me. Then I decided to count the cars on the other side of the highway. That also wasn't effective, as it was early Sunday morning and no one was driving around. So I filled my mind with "worst case scenarios" about the drive, which I do often (gotta be prepared!). I came up with game plans of what to do if, say for instance, a giant semi-truck suddenly came barreling out of the woods to the right and was about to t-bone our car. Would I a.) drive down into the steep median but keep going in the same direction, hoping to avoid the semi by inches, b.) yank the wheel hard left, causing the car to do a 180 and drive into the oncoming traffic lane and attempt to maneuver around THAT traffic, or c.) try to miss the truck by either hitting the brakes or the gas? This game worked pretty well until I got too wrapped up in it and started to wander out of my lane because I was looking at the amount of oncoming traffic across the median to determine if driving directly across the median to avoid the semi would be my best bet. The car's tires hit the rumble strip and JB woke up. He got nervous because he thought I was falling asleep. I was not--can't be falling asleep if an evil semi could be lurking in the woods!

When we arrived in Chicago we met up with Austin and went to Eleven City Diner, a neat cafe in the Grant Park area. It still strikes me how excited people get when they see babies. Olivia was riding in the Baby Bjorn (front-carrying backpack thingy) and no one could see her face, but ladies got excited nonetheless. (I'd at least wait until I saw the baby's face: what if the baby was SCARY looking??) The owner was just enamored with Olivia, especially after she looked in the carrier and saw her. She was an older woman wearing these sweet funky eyeglasses, and I was pleased to have such a lady take interest in my child. This was the second restaurant owner to rave about Olivia. The first was Marie Caltrib, whom I blogged about previously. When Marian had returned to Marie Caltrib's three days after Olivia's visit, Marie had asked Marian, "Where is your baby?" Well, either that lady has some memory or Olivia made a major impression on her!

The hostess at Eleven City Diner looked at Olivia and then at me and said, "I think she's going to have your red hair!"

LOL.

I didn't have the heart to tell her that my brown hair had randomly turned reddish, though I did point out JB's red locks to her.

After lunch we headed with Austin to Tommy and Virginia's place in the Lakeview area. I would like the record to show that on the Wii I am the cow racing champion. I can't play any other video games worth a dime, but man, can I race them cows! haha. Olivia sort of played her first video game, as JB managed to juggle holding Olivia and the Wii remote control at the same time. We had dinner at Joy's, my favorite Thai restaurant. I was very excited to be there but the Bird was not, and so she cried the whole time, which prevented me from eating. Boo, Olivia! I say, Boo!

JB and I both agree that if we were to live in a big city, it would be Chicago. For now, though, we'll just have to make the 3-hour trip here and there.

She's HERE!!!

Everyone welcome Olivia May.

Born: 10-11-08 5:30pm
Weight: 8 lbs 13 ounces
Length: 22 inches

After sixteen hours in the hospital Olivia was evicted from April's womb. Both baby and mom are doing great, dad too. More pictures to follow after I make my way out of this delirious haze.

The Laundry Handicap

To preface, I love my wife and I am by no means perfect, but...

April is handicapped when it comes to the household chore of laundry. Seriously.

I work an unusual shift, 10am to 8pm, which limits the time I have to do chores in the evening. Tonight after stopping by Home Depot (aka the Homo) to pick up some house stuff I rushed home to grab a bite to eat and watch a little TV with April. We've been coveting lowkey one-on-one hang out time because soon this will be a thing of the past. After the show April gets up and tells me she's going to surf the net a bit and then go to bed. No biggie. So I let the dog out and noticed that the basement light was on. When I trudged down stairs I saw laundry.

Three bins stood full to the brim. Clothes crushed down into them.

April always complains about laundry. "Didn't we just finish this?" she always asks. And I always reply, "If you did the laundry in one evening, you wouldn't feel like you were perpetually doing laundry." When I do the laundry, I COMPLETE the laundry. I run everything through both the washer and the dryer and fold and put away everything. Conversely, when April does the laundry it takes about a week. She gets the first load all the way through the machines and it ends up on a chair in the living room. The second load stalls somewhere in the dryer and never makes it way out. The other two (or three if it's been awhile) lie in piles on our bedroom floor for me to trip over the next several days.

"April if you feel like you're always doing laundry; sweetie, it's because you are."

In the course of our wonderful 5+ years together April's laundry deficiency has continued if not worsened. I guess I should be thankful she has stopped ruining my clothes in the wash.

I've explained to her numerous times that I am more than happy and capable to do the laundry. Still April keeps on making her attempts. *sigh* Methinks, it's time for me to become the full time launderer once again.

Five Finger Discount

Friday saw me through my final baby shower, which was put on by my coworkers. It was so nicely done. I have wonderful coworkers. Baby H got lots of neat things, including a barrage of sleepers. Final count for sleepers received: 28. Fortunately, they’re all different sizes, so I should be able to use them all. She also got a cute pink plush monkey which cracks me up, and my dream outfit for a little girl: a short pleated jean skirt and rainbow striped tights (the outfit also included a hot pink top and a hot pink cable-knit beret)! Agh! They’re the 12-month old size, so I have to wait for her to get bigger. She also got a pink MSU warmup suit that I wish came in my big girl size. Now I’m ready to have the baby so that she can start growing so that she can get big enough to wear her outfits.

I asked Marian what babies wear for the first few months. “Sleepers,” she said. “Ok. What about when you go out in public?” “Sleepers,” she repeated. Bo-ring!! I told JB that this is yet another reason that little babies are boring. You can’t do their hair. You don’t dress them up. They don’t say funny things yet. Sigh.

Out of baby’s present bounty there were a few doubles. So Friday night JB and I took baby’s Target gift cards and got some more store credit, and picked out things that we hadn’t gotten yet: a crib mobile, itso storage boxes for the closet, and a plush “Classic Pooh” piglet to go with her Pooh and Eeyore toys.

As we were leaving the store I was reviewing my receipt. The total I had tallied in my head was more than we were charged. JB was pushing the cart out of the door when I said, “JB, they didn’t charge us for Piglet.” He stopped the cart and we saw piglet sitting in one of the storage boxes, overlooked. He snatched Piglet up and jumped back in line while I went to the car. He was in the store for a very long time and when he finally returned to the car he said, “The lines were so long that I almost just walked back out the door with it!” However, integrity prevailed and we paid for Piglet.

Sunday we returned to Target and bought more of those dang storage boxes and also groceries, etc.

We were walking out the doors again, in the same exact spot, when I noticed a gallon of milk sitting in the bottom of the cart. I tried not to laugh as I said, “JB, they didn’t charge us for the milk.” He looked down at the cart. He looked at me. “I’m not getting back in line. Let’s just go.”

So we sort of stole milk from Target.

Weekend Warrior

Well my weekend went by in a whirlwind! But that was fine by me because I had a lot of fun.

On Friday, Lulu got her haircut and nails trimmed so now she’ll be fashionable for photos with Baby H and will stop tripping on the stairs because of her long nails. Since she had gotten banned from PetSmart (for story, click here), I took her to a private groomer who did a fabulous job with her. Even better than a red bow from PetSmart, Lucy got a pink bandana!

Saturday got kicked off with my Grand Rapids baby shower.

My mom and sisters all came from east Michigan for it, and there was the usual sisterly drama involved. This time Krystal was not ready at her dorm when they got to East Lansing, so they left her behind and she had to drive herself. There was much phone calls and discussion about all this while I was trying to get ready. One would think that Krystal was at fault for not being home at the appointed time, but she preferred to lay the blame on Anne. Haha.

“Didn’t you miss out on not having sisters?” I teased JB.

JB’s Aunt Helen, Aunt Rhonda, and cousin Sarah from Tennessee also attended the shower, though I think they arrived with less issue than the Teagues.

Again, I was shocked by everyone’s generosity. As my mom put it, “I got the mother lode!”

One of the gifts that JB had put on the registry that we did not receive was the video game Rock Band for his Xbox 360. Every time we go to Target JB asks if we can buy Rock Band, which is $165. Baby registry day was no different. I had told him, “No,” as usual. “Fine then. I’ll just register for it!” he had said. So he did. And now everyone asks why Rock Band is on there.

I thought it would be funny when we got home from the shower to tell JB that we DID get Rock Band from Tommy, who thought it would be a good gift for the baby.

“What? No we didn’t,” said JB. “…..did we?” He looked around at the presents.

“He was home last weekend and sent it with Mom today,” we said.

“Really? I don’t believe you,” he replied.

We then admitted that it was a trick, which JB said was a very mean trick. He didn’t really believe us, but had started to develop a small glimmer of hope nonetheless.

I thought it was quite funny. I also think that the baby does NOT need rock band.

After the shower the Teagues also showered me with more presents of cool hand-me-downs that they nabbed from different places. Mom and I discussed things that I have yet to obtain for baby and I mentioned having to shop for a breast pump.

“What! No! Don’t do the breast pump! Those things are terrible!” she exclaimed. This outburst got everyone’s attention, including poor JB, the only guy in the house.

“Well, what the hell am I supposed to do when I’m at work, Mom?”

“Just do it yourself! It’s much less painful. Those breast pumps will mangle your boobs!”

“You want me to milk myself, like a cow?”

Yes, she did want me to milk myself like a cow. I told her that I would not be doing that. She said that perhaps technology has advanced since she last knew about pumps. I said that none of my friends have come to me with horror stories, so I think it’s safe these days. Mom is still quite leary.

Then someone brought up borrowing a breast pump from a friend and Krystal was horrified, “That’s disgusting! I would never use a breast pump that belonged to someone else!”

Annie looked over at her. “This from the girl who has no issue with wearing other people’s underwear?”

Annie's got ya there, K!

Before they left, we all went to dinner at Yen Ching. It was JB and us five Teagues. As we entered the restaurant Mom said to JB, “Look, JB and all these women. It’s like a polygamist colony and we’re your wives. Well, except for me. That would just be weird.”

But JB having four sisters for wives wouldn’t be weird?

After they left JB turned to me and said (as he always does), “I’m really glad we got to hang out with your family today. I had a lot of fun. I really like your family.”

That’s because, well, the Teagues are entertaining even when they’re just being themselves.

After dinner JB, Lucy, and I went directly to the Hilton to hang out with the Tennessee family. There, Lucy wowed the crowd with her dog tricks and jumping Jack Russell legs.

Sunday was church, Crochet Day with some work friends, and then Bible Study baby shower. (Again, more wonderful gifts and love felt from everyone.)

Kristen and Seth gave us this really funny gag book and magnets about how not to raise your baby. There were nice drawings to accompany it. For instance, after bathing the baby, should you a.) dry baby with a towel or b.) put baby in clothes dryer? Apparently, the answer is A. My uncles and cousins have tried drying their sibs in the dryer, and my siblings and I played in the dryer plenty of times (without being brave enough to turn it on, probably because of the horror story that mom told us about the little boy who got cooked to death in a dryer) but I guess we should wait until the kid is old enough to play in the dryer herself and not start her out at such a young age. Besides, my mom gave me these wonderful hooded bath towels that I’m really excited to use instead.

Tonight we had dinner at the Hilton. Sooo good. Then we played a crossword game, where I was given a hard time for spelling Whore. I'd like to point out that others who were playing spelled much naughtier words! You know who you are! :)

Tuba time

Well, I'm at the point in pregnancy where I move more slowly and at times am subject to the very humiliating waddle.

JB likes to sing this song to me whenever he sees me moseying along. It makes me laugh.

Shall we race? I think not

On my commute to work this morning I was challenged to race.

I was stopped at a light on the Beltline, this four lane divided highway, listening to a book on tape while trying to forget that I was heading to work at a job I dislike; when my reverie was broken by a revving engine. I glanced left and saw this sporty import whose driver was smirking at me. I’ve have no clue who this person was, but he had longer curly hair and he checked his head to indicate a race.

Why on earth did he think I would want to race? I was sitting in my “non-sporty” Ford Focus and he’s in a sporty import. Also it’s 11:30 in the morning on a busy road. WTH?!?

When the light changed he paced me until he realized that I wasn’t going to careen down the road in some desperate attempt to prove that I’m the alpha male. Beside I knew I didn’t have a chance.

Strange.

We're Baa-aack!

We have returned from our super-awesome vacation in da UP. I love going to the cabin and was very sad to leave it this morning.

The child in my womb has been furiously kicking my innerds and ribs, so I will have to write about our fun later. Here are some pics, though:

Well readers, I had all these plans for posts this week, but life took over. Boo to laundry and having to make dinner and feeling cruddy! I haven’t even started packing/planning for our upcoming vacation! Agh!

A few notes.

Friday-Saturday: Sister Krystal came over last weekend. We had a lot of fun. We did things like go to a Whitecaps (baseball) game with Bible Study friends, ate at Mongolian BBQ, shopped for yarn, and played card games. She and JB got to bond over this really cheesy long commercial for “Light Rock’s Greatest Hits,” where you get to see all the worst songs of the last three decades performed by their gnarly artists with the big hair and bitchin’ leisure suits. Apparently this was the source of much laugher for K and JB, as evidenced in some of these photos. JB also watched this with sister Annie when she last visited. I’m seeing a trend here…

Lulu also watched the show with them, but she was more happy just to be chillin’ on the couch with her best friend, Bunny, whom she drags around with her everywhere. Unfortunately for Bunny, Lucy doesn’t realize that he only has eyes on his face, not his butt, so he didn’t get to take in much of the show.

Sunday: K and I also went to the super cool Allegan Antiques Fair with Marian. My favorite purchase was a beautiful pink serving tray. I considered giving it to my sister Smelly for a Christmas present, but greed took over. (I’m also not sure how much she’d use one of these.) The sales lady asked if I had a pink and black kitchen. I wish! I told her no, I have a husband, so I try to be considerate of him and only get SOME pink things. Aren’t I a good wife?

Then Sister Annie stayed for one night on her way back from hanging with Brother Tommy in Chicago. She showed me this beautiful green ring she bought there, which made me green with envy.

Tuesday: I ate of the first fruits of our vegetable garden. Well, just one fruit—one little cherry tomato. But it was so good! I can’t wait for my other tomatoes to ripen!

Earlier on Tuesday I went for my standard pregnancy checkup. I’m still on target for weight gain, but when I asked the Doctor how things looked as he measured me, he said that I was looking a bit large (I’ve been telling everyone that baby will be large, but I know that Doctors can’t always believe everything their patients say). He said if I keep measuring large, he will want to order another ultrasound. He does not intend to change my due date, though. I asked my coworkers what good an ultrasound would be if you suspect a large baby and aren’t changing the due date. Their replies? C-section. No thank you! I am going to fight that one tooth-and-nail. God gave me birthing hips and I intend to use them. Hopefully it will not get to the point where the doctor would suggest such a horrible thing. If you are a praying person, please pray that this does not happen.