Magic tricks!

"Illusions, Michael, tricks are what whores do for money... or candy."

-Gob Bluth (portrayed by Will Arnett, also soon to be a father)

Five Finger Discount

Friday saw me through my final baby shower, which was put on by my coworkers. It was so nicely done. I have wonderful coworkers. Baby H got lots of neat things, including a barrage of sleepers. Final count for sleepers received: 28. Fortunately, they’re all different sizes, so I should be able to use them all. She also got a cute pink plush monkey which cracks me up, and my dream outfit for a little girl: a short pleated jean skirt and rainbow striped tights (the outfit also included a hot pink top and a hot pink cable-knit beret)! Agh! They’re the 12-month old size, so I have to wait for her to get bigger. She also got a pink MSU warmup suit that I wish came in my big girl size. Now I’m ready to have the baby so that she can start growing so that she can get big enough to wear her outfits.

I asked Marian what babies wear for the first few months. “Sleepers,” she said. “Ok. What about when you go out in public?” “Sleepers,” she repeated. Bo-ring!! I told JB that this is yet another reason that little babies are boring. You can’t do their hair. You don’t dress them up. They don’t say funny things yet. Sigh.

Out of baby’s present bounty there were a few doubles. So Friday night JB and I took baby’s Target gift cards and got some more store credit, and picked out things that we hadn’t gotten yet: a crib mobile, itso storage boxes for the closet, and a plush “Classic Pooh” piglet to go with her Pooh and Eeyore toys.

As we were leaving the store I was reviewing my receipt. The total I had tallied in my head was more than we were charged. JB was pushing the cart out of the door when I said, “JB, they didn’t charge us for Piglet.” He stopped the cart and we saw piglet sitting in one of the storage boxes, overlooked. He snatched Piglet up and jumped back in line while I went to the car. He was in the store for a very long time and when he finally returned to the car he said, “The lines were so long that I almost just walked back out the door with it!” However, integrity prevailed and we paid for Piglet.

Sunday we returned to Target and bought more of those dang storage boxes and also groceries, etc.

We were walking out the doors again, in the same exact spot, when I noticed a gallon of milk sitting in the bottom of the cart. I tried not to laugh as I said, “JB, they didn’t charge us for the milk.” He looked down at the cart. He looked at me. “I’m not getting back in line. Let’s just go.”

So we sort of stole milk from Target.

Weekend Warrior

Well my weekend went by in a whirlwind! But that was fine by me because I had a lot of fun.

On Friday, Lulu got her haircut and nails trimmed so now she’ll be fashionable for photos with Baby H and will stop tripping on the stairs because of her long nails. Since she had gotten banned from PetSmart (for story, click here), I took her to a private groomer who did a fabulous job with her. Even better than a red bow from PetSmart, Lucy got a pink bandana!

Saturday got kicked off with my Grand Rapids baby shower.

My mom and sisters all came from east Michigan for it, and there was the usual sisterly drama involved. This time Krystal was not ready at her dorm when they got to East Lansing, so they left her behind and she had to drive herself. There was much phone calls and discussion about all this while I was trying to get ready. One would think that Krystal was at fault for not being home at the appointed time, but she preferred to lay the blame on Anne. Haha.

“Didn’t you miss out on not having sisters?” I teased JB.

JB’s Aunt Helen, Aunt Rhonda, and cousin Sarah from Tennessee also attended the shower, though I think they arrived with less issue than the Teagues.

Again, I was shocked by everyone’s generosity. As my mom put it, “I got the mother lode!”

One of the gifts that JB had put on the registry that we did not receive was the video game Rock Band for his Xbox 360. Every time we go to Target JB asks if we can buy Rock Band, which is $165. Baby registry day was no different. I had told him, “No,” as usual. “Fine then. I’ll just register for it!” he had said. So he did. And now everyone asks why Rock Band is on there.

I thought it would be funny when we got home from the shower to tell JB that we DID get Rock Band from Tommy, who thought it would be a good gift for the baby.

“What? No we didn’t,” said JB. “…..did we?” He looked around at the presents.

“He was home last weekend and sent it with Mom today,” we said.

“Really? I don’t believe you,” he replied.

We then admitted that it was a trick, which JB said was a very mean trick. He didn’t really believe us, but had started to develop a small glimmer of hope nonetheless.

I thought it was quite funny. I also think that the baby does NOT need rock band.

After the shower the Teagues also showered me with more presents of cool hand-me-downs that they nabbed from different places. Mom and I discussed things that I have yet to obtain for baby and I mentioned having to shop for a breast pump.

“What! No! Don’t do the breast pump! Those things are terrible!” she exclaimed. This outburst got everyone’s attention, including poor JB, the only guy in the house.

“Well, what the hell am I supposed to do when I’m at work, Mom?”

“Just do it yourself! It’s much less painful. Those breast pumps will mangle your boobs!”

“You want me to milk myself, like a cow?”

Yes, she did want me to milk myself like a cow. I told her that I would not be doing that. She said that perhaps technology has advanced since she last knew about pumps. I said that none of my friends have come to me with horror stories, so I think it’s safe these days. Mom is still quite leary.

Then someone brought up borrowing a breast pump from a friend and Krystal was horrified, “That’s disgusting! I would never use a breast pump that belonged to someone else!”

Annie looked over at her. “This from the girl who has no issue with wearing other people’s underwear?”

Annie's got ya there, K!

Before they left, we all went to dinner at Yen Ching. It was JB and us five Teagues. As we entered the restaurant Mom said to JB, “Look, JB and all these women. It’s like a polygamist colony and we’re your wives. Well, except for me. That would just be weird.”

But JB having four sisters for wives wouldn’t be weird?

After they left JB turned to me and said (as he always does), “I’m really glad we got to hang out with your family today. I had a lot of fun. I really like your family.”

That’s because, well, the Teagues are entertaining even when they’re just being themselves.

After dinner JB, Lucy, and I went directly to the Hilton to hang out with the Tennessee family. There, Lucy wowed the crowd with her dog tricks and jumping Jack Russell legs.

Sunday was church, Crochet Day with some work friends, and then Bible Study baby shower. (Again, more wonderful gifts and love felt from everyone.)

Kristen and Seth gave us this really funny gag book and magnets about how not to raise your baby. There were nice drawings to accompany it. For instance, after bathing the baby, should you a.) dry baby with a towel or b.) put baby in clothes dryer? Apparently, the answer is A. My uncles and cousins have tried drying their sibs in the dryer, and my siblings and I played in the dryer plenty of times (without being brave enough to turn it on, probably because of the horror story that mom told us about the little boy who got cooked to death in a dryer) but I guess we should wait until the kid is old enough to play in the dryer herself and not start her out at such a young age. Besides, my mom gave me these wonderful hooded bath towels that I’m really excited to use instead.

Tonight we had dinner at the Hilton. Sooo good. Then we played a crossword game, where I was given a hard time for spelling Whore. I'd like to point out that others who were playing spelled much naughtier words! You know who you are! :)

Retaliation

My first baby shower was a few weeks ago in Mayville. My sisters and mom had been working very hard to get the house, food, etc, ready for the party. Sister Annie had been slaving particularly hard on everything. She had made and mailed the invites, managed the RSVP’s, and been home for the days leading up to the shower and thus did a lot of the preparing. Two other characters that were also home were Krystal and Mom. But Mom had gotten food poisoning the day before the shower and was kind of out of commission, and Krystal is a force to be reckoned with and hard to convince to help out if she has better things to do (sorry, K, you know it’s true—I’m sure you won’t deny this). Also, Krystal clashes with Annie and does not like taking orders from her, simply on principal.

One of the battles that Krystal lost was to clean her bathroom, which is the main bathroom that guests would be using. Her and Anne are the only two who use that bathroom and Anne was busy doing other things. Krystal reluctantly scrubbed the place down.

The night before the baby shower Krystal casually asks Mom, “Mom, you don’t use the purple toothbrush in my bathroom, do you?”

It was a silly question. Mom has her own bathroom. Why would she keep her toothbrush in the bathroom on the other side of the house?

“No. Why would I?” Mom replied.

“Good, because I cleaned the bathroom with it,” said Krystal.

Annie’s heart stopped. “That’s MY toothbrush!” she exclaimed.

“Oops!” said Krystal.

Krystal cleaned the bathroom (including the soap-scummed glass-walled shower) with Annie’s toothbrush and then put it back in the cupboard, where Anne later picked it up and brushed her teeth with it.

Annie was livid. Krystal is always messing with her. For example, just a few weeks earlier, she and Krystal had to share a bed when they had a house full of overnight guests. As Krystal climbed into the bed she had said to Anne, “If you so much as touch me in the night, I will kill you!” She then proceeded to wrap her entire body in a blanket so as to assure no accidental skin contact in the night, even though it was July and the house isn’t air conditioned. Anne was so unnerved by Krystal that she slept on the very edge of the bed all night and didn’t get any sleep.

So when Anne noticed that her toothbrush was moved to the shelf below it’s normal place, she had figured that Krystal had moved it because she didn’t want their toothbrushes to occupy the same air space or something.

Krystal is still defending her actions to this day: “I put the used toothbrush on the shelf below our toothbrush place, where the cleaning supplies are! Besides, it was an old ratty thing anyway!”

Anyone who truly knows Krytal would take this defense with a grain of salt. Yes, she is not above making an honest mistake. But she is also an ace liar and not above playing such a trick on her sister if she was in the right mood.

When I heard the story, I asked Anne what she was going to do to retaliate. My first idea was to clean the TOILET with K’s toothbrush, but that could lead to serious disease. And even if I was mean enough to let Krystal get diseased (which I’m not), anything she gets could easily be spread to the rest of us. In fact, all of our ideas risked too much disease, so we’re at a loss. Krystal is constantly getting up in Annie’s hair like that—she steals her clothes, beauty supplies, sunglasses, etc., with no remorse. And Anne does not retaliate.

I told Anne that perhaps Krystal does this because she seeks Annie’s attention.

The day after the shower, Krystal brought her luggage down that she would take back to Michigan State with her for the new school year. Anne said that Krystal’s luggage could not leave the house without it first being searched for stolen clothing. A careful search found both Anne AND Mom’s clothing in the bags destined for East Lansing. As if enough damage hadn’t been done already!

When you have several siblings, one must always be ready for retaliation. I am prepared for a Krystal attack. I have an arsenal of embarrassing Krystal stories that I could share with the world with the click of a mouse. Perhaps this is why she hasn’t messed with me like this. Well, one time she DID symbolically murder my stuffed bear because I said that she couldn’t have him for her own. But I think she knew better than to really murder him. That would have called for retaliation.

I can’t say for sure whether Krystal did this on purpose, but I’m looking to you, readers, to slip Annie some aces up her sleeve to hold until the next Krystal attack.

Tuba time

Well, I'm at the point in pregnancy where I move more slowly and at times am subject to the very humiliating waddle.

JB likes to sing this song to me whenever he sees me moseying along. It makes me laugh.

What if she's UGLY??

While eating breakfast this morning and admiring the fresh-cut flowers at the table, I made a stark realization.

The baby I’m having in a few weeks might not look anything like I’ve imagined her to look.

Ever since I learned that I’m having a girl, I’ve been daydreaming about the perfect genetic combination of Hunt and Teague. This basically means curly auburn red hair, perfect skin, bright blue eyes, and an hourglass figure. Really, something like this:

Imagining a perfect-looking child is a dangerous game and I’ve already rolled the dice.

I don’t know how to get out of it now. I’m going to try to spend the next few weeks thinking “ugly” thoughts about the baby. Like a girl with thin wimpy hair (like me). Or a recessed chin. Or not having defined waist or hips as a woman. Having one blue eye and one brown one. Having some sort of disease where she can’t grow any teeth. Resembling a squirrel. Having acne so badly that she has to go into hiding from age 13-16.

I’m hoping that by imagining the worst, even if she has one lame trait (like my lame hair), I won’t be angry about it. This morning when I imagined being handed my baby and not seeing red hair, my first reaction was to say, “Oh no! Look at your stupid hair! NOW what are we going to do?!??” Not exactly the picture of a nurturing mother.

I’ve been praying for three things for baby girl all along: 1.) that she be mentally and physically healthy 2.) that she lives her life for Jesus 3.) that she has JB’s beautiful hair.

We’ll see if I can go 3 for 3.

If not, I’ll try my best to bite my tongue.

Ponderous

First, readers, thank you for the overwhelming support about my Crap Cake entry. Your ideas have helped me to come up with a plan regarding both my work situation and traffic ticket situation. Yay! Un-Yay: now I have to take MORE time out of my life to deal with these things rather than just happily work on making drapes for my bedroom, painting a bookcase for the child’s room, etc. Ugh!

And now, for something PONDEROUS…

(By the way, does anyone remember that song from the early 90’s--This is Ponderous? I remember climbing my friend Sabrina’s spiral staircase to go to her room where we painted our nails or something and listened to Ponderous over and over again. The song was popular for about a week. Sabrina’s house was this old barn-shackish building typical for rural Michigan, but with a white metal spiral staircase that totally made the place seem glamorous to a kid. That staircase completely clouded over the fact that they shared their house with barn animals. Actually, looking back, her house was kind of ponderous itself.)

Anyway, I digress:

PONDEROUS…

Last week my coworker Shari was pulling into the Best Buy parking lot when she saw walking out of Best Buy’s doors,

…wait for it…

An AMISH man!

What on earth would an Amish man need at Best Buy???

Icing on the Crap Cake

I have been trying to have a good attitude lately about having this baby. I’m fine with having a baby, especially since she’ll be the most beautiful, well-behaved human being to ever grace the planet. I mean, you can’t deny that mixing JB and me together can only result in perfection, right? :)

But then the realities of a baby start rearing their ugly heads. Well, the main one is money. We cannot afford daycare for the baby, and we cannot afford for one of us to quit a job to stay home with baby.

JB and I have been exploring several options to try to make this work. And we keep hitting dead ends.

Every time I hit a dead end, I want to scream at everyone who ever pestered me about having a baby, or who told me that it was time for me to have a baby, or who said that babies aren’t that expensive. I want to scream at them for pressuring me into something like this. But I know that’s not right. I made this decision. I made my bed, and now I have to lie in it. I could have called around and gotten daycare quotes before I got pregnant. But I did not.

So anyway, my biggest child-care solution was to work from home two days a week. That would cut $440 off of our monthly child-care bill. Two other women in my office have done this, and this is a very family-friendly place. I wrote up a very professional proposal and shared that I could do all of my job from home, with the exception of handling front-counter patrons, which are very few and far between on the Mondays and Fridays that I had wanted off.

I thought that this proposal would be accepted. I am a very good worker, am very organized, and have a very nice home office.

Yesterday I was told that I cannot have 2 days. They don’t even want to give me 1 day, but they will let me try it. One of the main reasons they want me in the office is that I am used so heavily to back up other departments when people are gone, and they need me to be able to do that (which is not in my job description, btw—I do it out of the goodness of my heart). Also, if there is an emergency situation with a member, I need to be here. When I got home and thought about all this, I felt pretty aweful. Apparently I can be used as the office workhorse to cover everyone else’s butts, but no one will help ME out in MY job on a day when I’m working from home and an “emergency” may arise. It’s not fair.

So anyway, I was seriously up all night being sad about this (and dealing with other pregnancy ailments). I need to plan these difficult conversations with coworkers about my job, how I feel, how I don’t want to be covering for everyone else anymore unless I get compensated for it, how I feel unappreciated, etc.

I lost so much sleep that I called in two hours late to work. I needed to get SOME rest before coming to work.

When I finally get on the road for work, I find myself driving through this new construction zone on my route. I’ve been driving through it for a week and was making a mental note to find a new route to work (to avoid the construction) when I see a policecar ahead of me on a side street turn on its lights. I drive past and move over so he can pull over whoever it is he’s after.

He was after me.

For speeding in a construction zone.

I had no idea I was speeding! I was following the flow of traffic! I thought the normal speed limit through there was 55, and I was going through at 40, like everyone else, thinking that that was slow enough.

Nope. The speed limit right now is 25. He said there was a sign. I said that I was sorry, but I didn’t see it, and didn’t know I was going too fast.

He didn’t care.

So, after a horrible day yesterday after feeling unappreciated at work, and then not sleeping in the night and being late for work, the officer chose to slap some shit frosting on my crap cake.

Thank you, sir, for giving a very pregnant lady a ticket. For giving her what will be an enormous fine (construction tickets are killer) that will make her even more poor and not be able to afford this baby. For making her cry her makeup off her face before she even got to work (yes, readers, the girl who doesn’t ever cry openly wept). For singling her out of the line of traffic that was also speeding.

If I had your home address, officer, I would leave my crap cake in a bag on your front doorstep and light it on fire.

Shall we race? I think not

On my commute to work this morning I was challenged to race.

I was stopped at a light on the Beltline, this four lane divided highway, listening to a book on tape while trying to forget that I was heading to work at a job I dislike; when my reverie was broken by a revving engine. I glanced left and saw this sporty import whose driver was smirking at me. I’ve have no clue who this person was, but he had longer curly hair and he checked his head to indicate a race.

Why on earth did he think I would want to race? I was sitting in my “non-sporty” Ford Focus and he’s in a sporty import. Also it’s 11:30 in the morning on a busy road. WTH?!?

When the light changed he paced me until he realized that I wasn’t going to careen down the road in some desperate attempt to prove that I’m the alpha male. Beside I knew I didn’t have a chance.

Strange.

Baby shower #1 = Sweet Business

Well, I have to admit that after my first baby shower, I am starting to get excited about having the baby. I think it was the outfits. I got all these cool little outfits and I want to put someone in them! And dressing up Lucy just isn't the same!

This shower was put on by my sisters and mom. It was Cat In the Hat themed. My mother was the Cat in the Hat (fitting, as she was born the same year as the Cat in the Hat), Melissa and Krystal were Thing 1 and Thing 2. Anne did not claim a character, but she if I were to give her a name it would be "Work Horse" as she slaved away to make this thing happen. Rachel also gets props for her contributions.





Unfortunately, because I was the guest of honor and therefore busy, not many photos were taken. I got a few to post, however.

Notable things:

• Each table had a fishbowl centerpiece with two fish in it (for One Fish, Two Fish).
  

• My cake was pink with a boat on top (can't remember which Seuss book that was a throwback to), and there were cupcakes with blue frosting mixed with coconut, to symbolize the hair of Thing 1 and Thing 2.
• There was, of course, Green Eggs and Ham to eat! :)
  
• We played Dr. Seuss trivia.
  
• My little cousin Rex (the boy in the second photo, standing by the presents) tried ripping open my presents because he is not disciplined. Unfortunately, he is always a source of trouble. His mom, who was three feet away, did nothing to stop him. I got up and told him NO and took his hands away, which was useless. Finally awesome Heather got up and told him how it was. THANKS HEATHER!! My instincts said to scream at him, YANK him away, and lock him in the house for not being obedient, but I knew that that was overkill, so I froze. Thank you for taking action. I was so mad at myself for not being more like you. I am going to work on this. I don't have a problem kicking my own child's butt, but other people's kids are a different realm.
  
• I got a LOT of pink outfits. Not too much yet, but I'm nervous because I have three other showers coming, one of which is my work shower, where it's just a big 'ole, "Let's get her cute outfits!" party. I will try to get the word out that I'm already about 50% pinked out.
  
• I realized how many wonderful people I have in my life. Every gift was thoughtful and necessary and I am always amazed at everyone's generosity.