Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Drama Clean

This is Lucy’s new favorite thing. She LOVES Drama Clean shampoo.

At least, that’s the only explanation I can find for her actions. Every day (with the exception of Sunday) that we have been staying at “The Hilton,” Lucy has gotten so dirty that she has needed a bath—sometimes twice in one day. It’s got to be the shampoo. At our house Lucy uses Bunny Shampoo, which is supposed to be nice on pet skin. But at the Hilton, she gets people shampoo, which leaves her fur smelling and looking way more glamorous.

Her favorite stunt that requires a bath afterward is rolling in deer poop. She loves deer poop more than dead animal (I am grateful for this). If she rolls in dead animal, she will get one long streak down her back. But deer poop is a wonderful thing, if you ask Lucy. It is worth rubbing your whole face in. It is worth rubbing down both of your sides. It is The Shit.

Yesterday when I got home from work, I praised the Lord that Lucy did not crap in her pen while I was gone. She is touched in the head and freaks out when we leave her alone. And I won’t get into the details, but the dog food at the Hilton affects her bowel movements in a disgusting way. So cleaning up her messes is dreadful. “Praise the Lord! Thank you Jesus!” I hollered as I did a little Pentecostal rejoicing dance next to her pen. I’m sure she thought I was crazy. Yeah, well at least I don’t crap my pants everyday like you do, Lucy!

Not having to clean a dog pen allowed me to spend some time outside having fun. I brought out a blanket and laid in the sun, reading a good book. The dogs all came over to me to say hello, and then wandered off to do dog things. For Maggie and Lexi, the older dogs, this means basking in the sun, casually perusing the yard for the stray bunny or groundhog. For Lucy, this apparently time for a hot date with deer poop. I had forgotten this and was happily reading my book until she sidled up next to me, REAKING of filth and was brown all over.

“Excuse me, mother (said in a Brittish accent, for she is a Brittish dog), but I’ve had quite enough fun for one day. Do you mind if I lean against you on your nice blanket while you read your book?”

“Lucy, you stink! Go away!”

“What? I think I smell quite wonderful. But if you insist, we can rub some Drama Clean shampoo into my fur. Here, let me sit really close to you unti you’re ready to do so.”

“Go away, Luly! You are a stinky dog! You an animal and you are disgusting!!”

She finally gets the message and walks away. I return to my book for a few blissful seconds until the rankness enters my nostrils again. If that dog is trying to touch me again, I’m going to kick her ass! I think. I look around. She is not near me. No, she is standing 15 feet away, her nose lifted to the air, enjoying the sweet breeze that I am downwind from. I can see the wind ruffling her fur. She is in heaven. I am ready to commit murder.

But I am determined to read my book for more than five minutes. I tell myself that the dog bath can wait and that she might as well get all her “poop rolling” kicks in now, while she’s still dirty, which she does. She happily returns to the poop, wherever it is, a few more times.

Why didn’t anyone tell me that SEVERAL poop rollings are way harder to wash out than one?!??? It was nasty. I had to wrap her in a rag towel just to transport her to the utility sink upstairs. It took at least two applications of Drama Clean and I had to use my nails to scratch the poop off of her face. GRRR!!! Afterward, I could still faintly smell the gross. I decided to wait for JB to return to give me a “clean enough” verdict, since I have a superwoman sense of smell. He said she was fine.

Sigh…she’ll be fine until today, when mama deer or baby deer or some young buck’s fresh pile beckons her name. Tonight we may just have to try shock collar therapy…

1 comment:

Tommy said...

Hilarious. If the Drama Clean doesn't work out you could always try Nair. I'm sure Lucy would be very easy to clean if she had no fur.