The Ruiner of Fun

One of the dogs’ favorite games to play at the Hilton is tennis ball chasing. It goes like this:

I get out the tennis ball slingshot. Lexi and Lucy go beserk with excitement. They both spring off all fours straight into the air, several times, until I can get around to shooting a ball. It is quite impressive to see Lexi do this, since she weighs about 90 lbs. She really gets some air. Lucy jumps so high that her head hits the slingshot and if I’m not careful I could shoot her in the face.

I shoot a ball. Lexi takes off like a speeding bullet, but Lucy shoots off like a firecracker, way outrunning her, and gets the first tennis ball. She races back to me before Lexi has even turned around and tries to make me want the ball.

“Haha! Look at me! I have the ball you just threw! And I’m not giving it back! Chase me, I dare you!”

I launch another ball. Lucy again beats Lexi to the ball, but since she already has a ball in her mouth, she can’t retrieve this new one. Lucy races back to me with the original ball in her mouth, still taunting. Lexi gets the new ball and brings it back. And drops it like a good dog. And I launch it again.

We go on like this for quite a while. Lucy basically is running in a circle the whole time, delirious with excitement. And Lexi plays catch with me.

So on Tuesday we were in the middle of a game when Maggie, the old geriatric dog, saunters out of the woods to take a dump in the middle of the yard. In the middle of our play area.

Why didn’t she do that in the woods?!???

I felt like I was in one of my slow motion nightmares, where your body just won’t move fast enough to divert the horror that is about to take place in front of you.

Lexi and I are in a dead heat to reach Maggie. I tell my legs to run faster, but they don’t. I holler at Lexi, but it’s not loud enough. Lexi has dropped the ball and is racing with reckless abandon toward her prize. I am too late.

I don’t know why I kept running to get closer to the crap pile. It’s not like I could ever outrun a lab. And before I can avert my eyes they are accosted with the grotesque scene of Lexi gulping down hot, steamy, fresh dog excrement. Purely vomitous. I scream and yell, but she doesn’t give a shit, no pun intended.

Then she trots back over to me so that I can throw another ball for her to fetch.

“You a-hole! I am not touching another ball that goes into your mouth! You ruined play times! YOU wrecked it! Why did you do that?!???”

I can see Lulu in the background, still holding on to her ball, a quizzical look on her face. She wants to know why we’ve stopped playing. She wants to still run! I tell her that Lexi has ruined everything.

All the dogs are oblivious of what just happened. I trudge back to the house, demanding that they follow me. In their eyes, I have wrecked play time. I am the bad auntie-mother who makes them go inside and lie down.

In their doggie eyes, I am the ruiner of fun.