1.) "Once upon a time I was shopping at the mall with Annie.
And this was last Tuesday."

This was the start of a story that I was relaying to JB last night. He told me to post this on the blog.

2.) Dog sitting is over. Uneventful! Well, except that Maggie is so old that our hardwood stairs are tough for her, so JB had to carry her up at night for bed. Lucy was unnerved by this and barked loudly at JB when he picked Maggie up once, so he punted Lucy (don't worry, she's fine). She didn't bark at him again.





3.) Sister Annie has moved back home. Boo! She got a job as a store manager at Macy's in Port Huron, so that's good, but this means that she's gone, and we miss her.



4.) Since Spring is coming, along with a muddy yard, Chewba got a haircut. She looks like a puppy again! She is also feeling just as energetic as a puppy and yesterday when Marian, Olivia, the dogs and I went for a walk in the old orchard, Lucy raced around like a little jackrabbit. Run, run, run!!! Both Lucy and I were quite muddy after the walk, because even though it's only 20 degrees outside, the sun was making the path muddy. Marian washed Lucy's muddy paws before we got in the car, but my jeans would have to wait until I got home. A few minutes into the car ride I smelled it. Poop. Agh! The car STANK! Since Lucy's paws had been washed I assumed it was me. It was almost unbearable. At first I thought it was dog poop. But it had this "woodsy" feel to it. So I decided it was deer poop. No, that wasn't it... Hmm...

I considered just what kind of feces was making me feel so nauseous as I drove down Burton with Lucy sitting happily in my lap, a big adventure behind her. Then it hit me.

I wasn't smelling poop at all.

It was dead animal.

And it was all rubbed into Lucy's back, which was 6 inches from my face.

Agh!!!

"You stink, Baby Lu!" I told her. She did not react. I think she was too busy dreaming about the Drama Clean shampoo waiting for her at home. :)

Ten minutes in the Meijer bathroom

Earlier this week Annie, Olivia, and I were shopping at Meijer. Before we finished shopping Olivia had a "blowout." For those of you who are not familiar with babies, we use that term to refer to baby crap breaching the diaper. Ick.

I picked Olivia up out of her carseat and cruised over to the bathroom while Annie finished getting groceries. I ended up having to change Olivia's whole outfit so I was in the bathroom for probably 10 minutes.

The changing station was located on the wall opposite the sinks, and to the left was the door, to the right were the stalls. As I lay Olivia down a Mom and her 11-year-old daughter had just finished drying their hands and headed toward the door. "Don't touch the door!" the Mom scolded the girl. "Here, kick it open with your foot. You don't want to get germs."

I smiled to myself. Go back in time about 20 years and that would have been my own Mom telling me not to touch the door for fear of germs.

And that, my friends, was the BEST part of my stay in the bathroom. From there, it very quickly went downhill.

The next woman who came in saw Olivia and said, "Aw! A baby!" as she walked to an open stall. "Newborn, huh?"

"Four months old!" I told her pleasantly.

"Oh," she said curtly, as if she thought I was correcting her and was offended. I think she was actually touched in the head. But that is no excuse for what she did next.

She used the bathroom, exited the stall, and walked right out the door, scorning the sinks! And she put the big ole crazy-lady-pissed-on hand of hers on the door and shoved it open.

I had to focus really hard on Olivia in order to keep my composure. That mom wasn't kidding about germs!!

Then a grandmother-type lady came in with a 4-year-old who said, "Look, a baby!" as she walked by Olivia. They went into the stall for about two minutes. The woman said to the little girl, "Hey, you little tricker!" and they exited the stall. They did not flush. It was possible that she didn't go to the bathroom. Then they came up to Olivia on the table and the little girl got all excited about the baby. Then they walked out the door, again scorning those beautiful glistening porcelain sinks. Those lonely sinks.

I turned my attentions back to Olivia in time to see her pudgy little baby hand waiving happily in the air, and I watched in horror as it found its way to the wall of the changing station and felt it up. Agh!!!!! I could just SEE the germs crawling en masse from the wall to her hand and down her arm and into her baby mouth. The germs were going to eat my baby! You don't know how hard it was for me to keep my cool at this point. I always imagined that while there were germs in public bathrooms, that the good ole Dutch Christian women of West Michigan were exceptions to the rule and that germs weren't that plentiful around here. Especially not in the CASCADE Meijer, which is located in the land of "new money."

Okay, so I was about ready to puke. I could NOT believe it. So I kept track. Eight females entered a bathroom stall, and only 3.5 washed. I say .5 because there were two who I am pretty sure did not wash, but I couldn't say for sure. One was a woman who I saw at the sink, but who was combing her hair and not washing her hands. It's possible that she washed them extremely quickly before picking up the comb, but after she left I scrutinized her sink and there wasn't much evidence to exonerate her. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt because she did approach Olivia after combing her hair and said, "What a beautiful baby!" and then, looking at Olivia, said, "The world made rosy cheeks just for you!"

Could a dirty bird really be that sweet about MY bird? I'm not sure.

All in all it was a horrific experience. Know what the worst part was? Look back at the story, clever readers. Do you notice any pattern?

How about the fact that the people who gave attention to Olivia were the ones who didn't wash their hands!!!

Now every time a stranger approaches Olivia I wonder, "Are you a dirt bag? How many bars of soap to you purchase annually?"

Sick.

Shoppers, beware. Don't use those bathrooms unless it's an EMERGENCY.

Weekend Warrior

Well my weekend went by in a whirlwind! But that was fine by me because I had a lot of fun.

On Friday, Lulu got her haircut and nails trimmed so now she’ll be fashionable for photos with Baby H and will stop tripping on the stairs because of her long nails. Since she had gotten banned from PetSmart (for story, click here), I took her to a private groomer who did a fabulous job with her. Even better than a red bow from PetSmart, Lucy got a pink bandana!

Saturday got kicked off with my Grand Rapids baby shower.

My mom and sisters all came from east Michigan for it, and there was the usual sisterly drama involved. This time Krystal was not ready at her dorm when they got to East Lansing, so they left her behind and she had to drive herself. There was much phone calls and discussion about all this while I was trying to get ready. One would think that Krystal was at fault for not being home at the appointed time, but she preferred to lay the blame on Anne. Haha.

“Didn’t you miss out on not having sisters?” I teased JB.

JB’s Aunt Helen, Aunt Rhonda, and cousin Sarah from Tennessee also attended the shower, though I think they arrived with less issue than the Teagues.

Again, I was shocked by everyone’s generosity. As my mom put it, “I got the mother lode!”

One of the gifts that JB had put on the registry that we did not receive was the video game Rock Band for his Xbox 360. Every time we go to Target JB asks if we can buy Rock Band, which is $165. Baby registry day was no different. I had told him, “No,” as usual. “Fine then. I’ll just register for it!” he had said. So he did. And now everyone asks why Rock Band is on there.

I thought it would be funny when we got home from the shower to tell JB that we DID get Rock Band from Tommy, who thought it would be a good gift for the baby.

“What? No we didn’t,” said JB. “…..did we?” He looked around at the presents.

“He was home last weekend and sent it with Mom today,” we said.

“Really? I don’t believe you,” he replied.

We then admitted that it was a trick, which JB said was a very mean trick. He didn’t really believe us, but had started to develop a small glimmer of hope nonetheless.

I thought it was quite funny. I also think that the baby does NOT need rock band.

After the shower the Teagues also showered me with more presents of cool hand-me-downs that they nabbed from different places. Mom and I discussed things that I have yet to obtain for baby and I mentioned having to shop for a breast pump.

“What! No! Don’t do the breast pump! Those things are terrible!” she exclaimed. This outburst got everyone’s attention, including poor JB, the only guy in the house.

“Well, what the hell am I supposed to do when I’m at work, Mom?”

“Just do it yourself! It’s much less painful. Those breast pumps will mangle your boobs!”

“You want me to milk myself, like a cow?”

Yes, she did want me to milk myself like a cow. I told her that I would not be doing that. She said that perhaps technology has advanced since she last knew about pumps. I said that none of my friends have come to me with horror stories, so I think it’s safe these days. Mom is still quite leary.

Then someone brought up borrowing a breast pump from a friend and Krystal was horrified, “That’s disgusting! I would never use a breast pump that belonged to someone else!”

Annie looked over at her. “This from the girl who has no issue with wearing other people’s underwear?”

Annie's got ya there, K!

Before they left, we all went to dinner at Yen Ching. It was JB and us five Teagues. As we entered the restaurant Mom said to JB, “Look, JB and all these women. It’s like a polygamist colony and we’re your wives. Well, except for me. That would just be weird.”

But JB having four sisters for wives wouldn’t be weird?

After they left JB turned to me and said (as he always does), “I’m really glad we got to hang out with your family today. I had a lot of fun. I really like your family.”

That’s because, well, the Teagues are entertaining even when they’re just being themselves.

After dinner JB, Lucy, and I went directly to the Hilton to hang out with the Tennessee family. There, Lucy wowed the crowd with her dog tricks and jumping Jack Russell legs.

Sunday was church, Crochet Day with some work friends, and then Bible Study baby shower. (Again, more wonderful gifts and love felt from everyone.)

Kristen and Seth gave us this really funny gag book and magnets about how not to raise your baby. There were nice drawings to accompany it. For instance, after bathing the baby, should you a.) dry baby with a towel or b.) put baby in clothes dryer? Apparently, the answer is A. My uncles and cousins have tried drying their sibs in the dryer, and my siblings and I played in the dryer plenty of times (without being brave enough to turn it on, probably because of the horror story that mom told us about the little boy who got cooked to death in a dryer) but I guess we should wait until the kid is old enough to play in the dryer herself and not start her out at such a young age. Besides, my mom gave me these wonderful hooded bath towels that I’m really excited to use instead.

Tonight we had dinner at the Hilton. Sooo good. Then we played a crossword game, where I was given a hard time for spelling Whore. I'd like to point out that others who were playing spelled much naughtier words! You know who you are! :)

Retaliation

My first baby shower was a few weeks ago in Mayville. My sisters and mom had been working very hard to get the house, food, etc, ready for the party. Sister Annie had been slaving particularly hard on everything. She had made and mailed the invites, managed the RSVP’s, and been home for the days leading up to the shower and thus did a lot of the preparing. Two other characters that were also home were Krystal and Mom. But Mom had gotten food poisoning the day before the shower and was kind of out of commission, and Krystal is a force to be reckoned with and hard to convince to help out if she has better things to do (sorry, K, you know it’s true—I’m sure you won’t deny this). Also, Krystal clashes with Annie and does not like taking orders from her, simply on principal.

One of the battles that Krystal lost was to clean her bathroom, which is the main bathroom that guests would be using. Her and Anne are the only two who use that bathroom and Anne was busy doing other things. Krystal reluctantly scrubbed the place down.

The night before the baby shower Krystal casually asks Mom, “Mom, you don’t use the purple toothbrush in my bathroom, do you?”

It was a silly question. Mom has her own bathroom. Why would she keep her toothbrush in the bathroom on the other side of the house?

“No. Why would I?” Mom replied.

“Good, because I cleaned the bathroom with it,” said Krystal.

Annie’s heart stopped. “That’s MY toothbrush!” she exclaimed.

“Oops!” said Krystal.

Krystal cleaned the bathroom (including the soap-scummed glass-walled shower) with Annie’s toothbrush and then put it back in the cupboard, where Anne later picked it up and brushed her teeth with it.

Annie was livid. Krystal is always messing with her. For example, just a few weeks earlier, she and Krystal had to share a bed when they had a house full of overnight guests. As Krystal climbed into the bed she had said to Anne, “If you so much as touch me in the night, I will kill you!” She then proceeded to wrap her entire body in a blanket so as to assure no accidental skin contact in the night, even though it was July and the house isn’t air conditioned. Anne was so unnerved by Krystal that she slept on the very edge of the bed all night and didn’t get any sleep.

So when Anne noticed that her toothbrush was moved to the shelf below it’s normal place, she had figured that Krystal had moved it because she didn’t want their toothbrushes to occupy the same air space or something.

Krystal is still defending her actions to this day: “I put the used toothbrush on the shelf below our toothbrush place, where the cleaning supplies are! Besides, it was an old ratty thing anyway!”

Anyone who truly knows Krytal would take this defense with a grain of salt. Yes, she is not above making an honest mistake. But she is also an ace liar and not above playing such a trick on her sister if she was in the right mood.

When I heard the story, I asked Anne what she was going to do to retaliate. My first idea was to clean the TOILET with K’s toothbrush, but that could lead to serious disease. And even if I was mean enough to let Krystal get diseased (which I’m not), anything she gets could easily be spread to the rest of us. In fact, all of our ideas risked too much disease, so we’re at a loss. Krystal is constantly getting up in Annie’s hair like that—she steals her clothes, beauty supplies, sunglasses, etc., with no remorse. And Anne does not retaliate.

I told Anne that perhaps Krystal does this because she seeks Annie’s attention.

The day after the shower, Krystal brought her luggage down that she would take back to Michigan State with her for the new school year. Anne said that Krystal’s luggage could not leave the house without it first being searched for stolen clothing. A careful search found both Anne AND Mom’s clothing in the bags destined for East Lansing. As if enough damage hadn’t been done already!

When you have several siblings, one must always be ready for retaliation. I am prepared for a Krystal attack. I have an arsenal of embarrassing Krystal stories that I could share with the world with the click of a mouse. Perhaps this is why she hasn’t messed with me like this. Well, one time she DID symbolically murder my stuffed bear because I said that she couldn’t have him for her own. But I think she knew better than to really murder him. That would have called for retaliation.

I can’t say for sure whether Krystal did this on purpose, but I’m looking to you, readers, to slip Annie some aces up her sleeve to hold until the next Krystal attack.

Well readers, I had all these plans for posts this week, but life took over. Boo to laundry and having to make dinner and feeling cruddy! I haven’t even started packing/planning for our upcoming vacation! Agh!

A few notes.

Friday-Saturday: Sister Krystal came over last weekend. We had a lot of fun. We did things like go to a Whitecaps (baseball) game with Bible Study friends, ate at Mongolian BBQ, shopped for yarn, and played card games. She and JB got to bond over this really cheesy long commercial for “Light Rock’s Greatest Hits,” where you get to see all the worst songs of the last three decades performed by their gnarly artists with the big hair and bitchin’ leisure suits. Apparently this was the source of much laugher for K and JB, as evidenced in some of these photos. JB also watched this with sister Annie when she last visited. I’m seeing a trend here…

Lulu also watched the show with them, but she was more happy just to be chillin’ on the couch with her best friend, Bunny, whom she drags around with her everywhere. Unfortunately for Bunny, Lucy doesn’t realize that he only has eyes on his face, not his butt, so he didn’t get to take in much of the show.

Sunday: K and I also went to the super cool Allegan Antiques Fair with Marian. My favorite purchase was a beautiful pink serving tray. I considered giving it to my sister Smelly for a Christmas present, but greed took over. (I’m also not sure how much she’d use one of these.) The sales lady asked if I had a pink and black kitchen. I wish! I told her no, I have a husband, so I try to be considerate of him and only get SOME pink things. Aren’t I a good wife?

Then Sister Annie stayed for one night on her way back from hanging with Brother Tommy in Chicago. She showed me this beautiful green ring she bought there, which made me green with envy.

Tuesday: I ate of the first fruits of our vegetable garden. Well, just one fruit—one little cherry tomato. But it was so good! I can’t wait for my other tomatoes to ripen!

Earlier on Tuesday I went for my standard pregnancy checkup. I’m still on target for weight gain, but when I asked the Doctor how things looked as he measured me, he said that I was looking a bit large (I’ve been telling everyone that baby will be large, but I know that Doctors can’t always believe everything their patients say). He said if I keep measuring large, he will want to order another ultrasound. He does not intend to change my due date, though. I asked my coworkers what good an ultrasound would be if you suspect a large baby and aren’t changing the due date. Their replies? C-section. No thank you! I am going to fight that one tooth-and-nail. God gave me birthing hips and I intend to use them. Hopefully it will not get to the point where the doctor would suggest such a horrible thing. If you are a praying person, please pray that this does not happen.